1 Response to Practice Opening-Minutemen14

1. davidbdale says:

   September 26, 2021 at 3:11 pm

   Nigeria is haunted by what seems to be an inevitable dead end in eradicating the Poliovirus.
   —I like the effort here, Minutemen, to say something powerful and dramatic. Be careful, though, when choosing your metaphors. The haunting image is odd. Maybe if centuries ago Nigeria had lost a whole generation to a dread disease, it could be haunted now by that ancient failure. But their problem is all in the present.

   False information and an overall fear of vaccinations has turned into guerrilla warfare when battling the poliovirus, rather than one common goal against it.
   —Guerillas are unofficial combatants that try to overthrow a government. Nigerians might be experiencing something like a civil war in which half the country battles the other, but again, your metaphor is a big stick to be swinging. Choose carefully.

   Civilians do not know where to turn as they either fear that the vaccination is harmful or are skeptical of those giving out the doses.
   —Now that you’ve invoked warfare, we understand civilians to mean people who are not part of the military. I promise I’m not trying to misunderstand you. But following your own language sends me in many contradictory directions. Plus, as you describe it, this situation sounds like solidarity, not warfare. Civilians in your explanation haven’t separated into camps; they’re united in their reluctance to take the vaccine.

   Without proper information and so many rumors circulating, it is impossible to have any cohesion to stop this virus.
   —You haven’t made any specific allegations, so invoking “so many rumors” doesn’t help us understand why anyone is reluctant.

   Many get hung up on the possibility of paralysis or death due to vaccine, when in fact the virus harms/kills much more annually.
   —Now you’re backfilling for details you delayed divulging. It’s helpful, but the sequence is not as effective.

   Therefore the only effort to be made is to somehow reach out and capture the attention of Nigerian civilians to stand against this virus once and for all.
   —You manage to make this sound at the same time like a solution and NOT a solution. Who’s going to reach out, and how will they turn the tide?

   Without common trust or reliable information, these people are at the mercy of the rescuers around them to make decisions for what is best for themselves and their families.
   —I imagine that by “rescuers” you mean health care workers who administer the vaccine. But now I’m really confused. From what you’ve said, I imagined Nigerians were not willing to LET the rescuers make decisions for them.

   That may seem like overkill for a single paragraph, Minutemen. I hope it will help you see how carefully readers work to interpret what you say. We mean well, but we’re easily distracted by ambiguities and chance comments that stray from the central message.

   Whether or not you elect to revise this paragraph, Minutemen, I expect you to respond to let me know you respect the feedback process. Otherwise, I’m less likely to help you in the future (if you call this help 🙂 ). Thanks!

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