Practice Opening- kingofcamp

There is no “Art of Eradicating Polio”, groups affected by violence and dishonesty will almost forever stay reluctant- as seen in Nigeria. Nigeria’s corruption has created great division within the country. Trusted officials have spread rumors stating that Polio vaccines lead to a widespread of health problems. Other “theories” have spread such as the widely believed rumor that “Westerners are trying to eradicate the Muslim population” with the vaccine. There are a multitude of hate crimes connected to the vaccine such as bombings, murders, and shootings. These unfortunate conditions will only bread for resilience, therefore keeping Polio an ongoing issue.  

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1 Response to Practice Opening- kingofcamp

  1. davidbdale says:

    KingofCamp, it appears you made your feedback request following Tuesday’s classroom introduction to the Feedback Please process.

    I should mention here that we never look back in this class. If you receive feedback on a first draft, make revisions, and ask for another look (or a regrade of your work) I won’t be painstakingly comparing your current draft to earlier drafts to see what you’ve improved. Instead, we’ll deal with the draft in front of us to see if it can be further improved. So, let’s do that.

    There is no “Art of Eradicating Polio”, groups affected by violence and dishonesty will almost forever stay reluctant- as seen in Nigeria.
    —This is the type of runon known as a comma splice. It’s actually two sentences stuck together with a comma. Solutions include:
    1. There is no “Art of Eradicating Polio.” Groups affected by violence and dishonesty will almost forever stay reluctant—as seen in Nigeria.
    2. There is no “Art of Eradicating Polio”; groups affected by violence and dishonesty will almost forever stay reluctant—as seen in Nigeria.
    3. As seen in Nigeria, where violence and dishonesty have cause persistent vaccine resistance, there is no “Art of Eradicating Polio.”
    The third example flows without interruption. The first and second stop dead in their tracks, twice each. Go for the flow.

    Nigeria’s corruption has created great division within the country.
    —We’ll be waiting for evidence of that, and wondering how it affects the vaccination effort.

    Trusted officials have spread rumors stating that Polio vaccines lead to a widespread of health problems.
    —It’s a little confusing to have “trusted officials” if distrust is rampant in the country. And you’ve dropped the “division” thread. (What is a “widespread of health problems”? Do you mean a variety of health problems?)

    Other “theories” have spread such as the widely believed rumor that “Westerners are trying to eradicate the Muslim population” with the vaccine.
    —Division is lost forever. Do the theories come from nowhere?

    There are a multitude of hate crimes connected to the vaccine such as bombings, murders, and shootings.
    —It seems now you’re compiling a list of unrelated threats to vaccination acceptance. In a way, that’s all you promised in your introductory sentence: Nigerians “affected by violence and dishonesty” will remain reluctant. For clarity, you should acknowledge that the sources of disinformation and resistance are varied and the origins not always clear. (But the result is the same in every case: vaccination reluctance.)

    These unfortunate conditions will only bread for resilience, therefore keeping Polio an ongoing issue.
    —Here, you come close to doing just what I’ve suggested, only too late for readers to feel comfortable with the murkiness of the situation. I have no idea what you were going for with “bread for resilience.” An “issue” is hopelessly vague. You might as well call it a “thing.”

    As always, kingofcamp, if you’re going to want feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it. When you receive it, please revise your work or respond to the feedback or both. I look forward to your reactions.

    Like

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