2 Responses to Open Strong- sixfortyfive645

1. davidbdale says:

   November 20, 2015 at 11:27 am

   sixfortyfive645, you’ve tried to open your essay about rape culture without explaining, even briefly, what the phrase means. It may be too complex to describe in a paragraph, but a very few words can help acclimate your readers immediately. I suggest “the attitude that men are entitled to women’s bodies.”

   As directly as you make some of your claims, you appear to be straining for an academic effect for others. “forced it to mistakenly evolve into a normal way of thinking” and “conversation of rape culture must be implemented to improve ideals” are examples.

   Striking a balance between pop culture language and academic language is not easy, but when in doubt, try the most direct available language that isn’t slang.

   See if the following does what it should.

   Everyone perpetuates rape culture. [The attitude that men are entitled to women’s bodies] is so [pervasive] in our environment that it seems normal. To fix this error made by history, [we need to talk bravely about] rape from [the victims’ point of view.] Stubborn, closed-minded individuals will resist this conversation–as will some traumatized victims–[but their reluctance stands between our current national psychosis] and victims’ rights. [We’ll never] prevent people from becoming rapists [if we refuse to talk about the problem].

   You have the thinking and argument skills to produce among the best work I will see from this class this semester, twofoursix. The difference between the grade you would accept and the one you probably want will be your ability to write fluently on your topic, not so casual that readers don’t respect you, not so abstract that they can’t understand you.

   We aren’t certified psychologists, twofoursix, so when we expose the psychological cause of a comedian’s genius, our only credibility is the authority of our voices. We need to persuade our readers of the fundamental truth of our theses with clear and compelling language, not jargon, not academic-speak.

   Helpful?
   Reply, please.

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2. sixfortyfive645 says:

   November 30, 2015 at 12:23 pm

   That is very helpful, thank you! I’ll make the changes.

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