Practice Opening- Disneylover2002

The poliovirus will never be eradicated because countries do not trust the vaccine. Countries such as Nigeria do not trust that the vaccine is going to help them out. Nigeria believes that the vaccines are contaminated with other deadly diseases to kill off their Muslim population. This misinformation caused Nigeria to stop administering the vaccine to its people. The poliovirus will continue until Nigeria stops believing this rumor and trusts that science will help them.

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2 Responses to Practice Opening- Disneylover2002

  1. davidbdale says:

    The poliovirus will never be eradicated because countries do not trust the vaccine.

    Great opening line, DisneyLover. But I’m going to challenge it anyway because my job is asking the impolite questions as politely as I can. How can a COUNTRY not trust a vaccine?

    Countries such as Nigeria do not trust that the vaccine is going to help them out.

    So, you didn’t mean ALL countries. You meant countries like Nigeria, which prompts my next impolite question. What’s Nigeria like, and how many countries are like Nigeria? The virus is safe because Nigeria and countries like Nigeria don’t trust the vaccine.

    Nigeria believes that the vaccines are contaminated with other deadly diseases to kill off their Muslim population.

    Three sentences in, we’re finding out what kind of country Nigeria is and why it doesn’t trust the vaccine. And what we discover you actually meant is that Muslims consider the vaccine an existential threat.

    This misinformation caused Nigeria to stop administering the vaccine to its people.

    Again, you have a COUNTRY doing something, but this time it makes more sense. The Nigerian government, or its health agencies can’t NOT TRUST the vaccine, but it can stop administering a vaccine.

    The poliovirus will continue until Nigeria stops believing this rumor and trusts that science will help them

    I’m repeating myself now, but Nigeria can’t believe or stop believing a rumor. I do understand your paragraph now though.

    If you revise it, you should emphasize that what’s preventing the eradication of polio is not the distrust of a country but the distrust of groups of people who believe rumors and refuse to cooperate with governments or health agencies that have failed them in the past. That appears to be your thesis. I like your straightforward, no-nonsense style, your spare language, your boldness. You’ve written a strong first draft.

    Whether you revise or not, I do expect you to respond to feedback so I know you respect the process. Otherwise, I’ll be less inclined to help you next time. Thanks!

    Like

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