Practice Opening – SpookyGhost

Polio will never cease to exist so long people who thwart anti-polio efforts do exist. Despite the best efforts of organization working to eradicate Polio, terrorism in Nigeria, and vaccine rumors results in major setbacks among operations to rid of Polio. Fear and doubt regarding what’s actually in the vaccine leads to Polio vaccinations being banned completely in the respective area, ultimately boosting the current Polio cases. Even if a vaccination ban is not in effect unknown terrorist groups have been targeting polio workers in Nigeria. This leads to fear among both citizens and anti-polio workers alike. When groups that attack Polio workers and spread rumors about corrupt vaccines surface it’s near impossible to eliminate Polio. If as little as one person believes a rumor or doesn’t receive a vaccine due to terrorism the virus will resurface and the progress will be reset.

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1 Response to Practice Opening – SpookyGhost

  1. davidbdale says:

    This is perfectly fine, Spooky. My primary recommendation would be that you de-clutter it of the irrelevant details that distract from your main points, making your work hard to follow. Some examples:

    1. Polio will never cease to exist so long people who thwart anti-polio efforts do exist.
    —It’s hard to navigate four negatives here, Spooky. 1) Never 2) cease to exist 3) thwart 4) anti-polio. Any way you could work in positives?
    2. Despite the best efforts of organization working to eradicate Polio, terrorism in Nigeria, and vaccine rumors results in major setbacks among operations to rid of Polio.
    —Your organization working to eradicate polio and your operations to rid the country of polio are redundant.
    3. Fear and doubt regarding what’s actually in the vaccine leads to Polio vaccinations being banned completely in the respective area, ultimately boosting the current Polio cases.
    —Is it fear or doubt? Why “actually”? Why “completely’? Why “ultimately”? Why “current”?
    4. Even if a vaccination ban is not in effect unknown terrorist groups have been targeting polio workers in Nigeria.
    —You’ve said there’s a ban, so why now postulate what would happen if there weren’t? Why “unknown”?
    5. This leads to fear among both citizens and anti-polio workers alike.
    —Are they polio workers or anti-polio workers? You’ve called them both. What citizens are afraid? The ones who would consider a vaccine if it weren’t dangerous? You said the workers, not the recipients, were being targeted.
    6. When groups that attack Polio workers and spread rumors about corrupt vaccines surface it’s near impossible to eliminate Polio.
    —This sentence adds nothing new.
    7. If as little as one person believes a rumor or doesn’t receive a vaccine due to terrorism the virus will resurface and the progress will be reset.
    —Not technically true unless that one person gets infected and passes the disease along.

    It’s easy to be 80-90% powerful and effective and still require a healthy edit, Spooky. I’d say that’s where you’re at here.

    Whether you revise or not, I do expect you to respond to feedback so I know you respect the process Spooky. Otherwise, I’ll be less inclined to help you next time. Thanks!

    Like

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