Practice Opening- littlecow24

Through the traveling of Nigeria, Muhammad Ali Pate is proof that the polio vaccine can greatly help to eradicate polio. Pate himself is going around to different places in Nigeria to make sure that children receive the vaccine, as he highly believes it will help to get rid of it in Nigeria. To make sure of this, after every day, vaccination efforts are reviewed and supervisors report on how many houses they visited, the amount of people who received/didn’t receive the vaccine, etc. He makes sure people know that the vaccine is safe by including his personal life, making the children and parents feel more comfortable with getting the vaccine.

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3 Responses to Practice Opening- littlecow24

  1. davidbdale says:

    Just a quick note to acknowledge that I’ve noticed your post in the Feedback Please category, LittleCow. I have classes this morning, but I’ll be doing feedback this afternoon.

    Before I go, let me just say that your paragraph stays focused on one man’s efforts, which is a valid choice. That said, we should probably know in just a few words, who the heck Muhammad Ali Pate IS.

    We’ll discuss that further, plus the good things you’re doing here, unless you want to reword your post before I return.

    I have created the littlecow24 category for you. (I can drop the 24 for you if you wish. Let me know.)

    Like

  2. davidbdale says:

    LittleCow, it appears you haven’t made any revisions since my feedback yesterday, so we’ll just carry forward. I should mention here that we never look back in this class. Even when you do make revisions, I won’t be painstakingly comparing your current draft to earlier drafts to see what you’ve improved. Instead, we’ll deal with the draft in front of us to see if it can be further improved. So, let’s do that.

    Concentrating a big topic on the efforts of one man is a good strategy, LC. To make it truly effective, be sure to “Generalize from the Specific” to show that his small contributions can be scaled to effect global change.

    First sentence: One man is using the vaccine to eradicate polio in one country. Good.
    Second sentence: One man is traveling Nigeria to deliver the vaccine to eradicate polio. Sounds like a complete repetition of the first sentence.
    Third sentence: Someone calculates the number of doses delivered. Fine, but how does this contribute to eradication or help us understand how to globalize his local effort?
    Fourth sentence: One man builds trust by sharing his personal story. Good, but how does this contribute to eradication or help us understand how to globalize his local effort?

    As always, LittleCow, if you’re going to want feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it. When you receive it, please revise your work or respond to the feedback or both. I look forward to your reactions.

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    • littlecow24 says:

      Thank you for the feedback! When I initially wrote this, I didn’t even realize I had repeated and could have gone even deeper into the subject. All the feedback makes a lot of sense, and I completely see how it can make my work better.
      Thank you again!

      Like

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