Practice Opening- strawberryfields4

A lack of trust between countries all over the world has continued to develop and intensify throughout the years. This distrust has created skepticism and a sense of paranoia that has stood as a barrier from ridding the world of grisly diseases such as Polio. Far too many acts of violence and deceit have transpired for humans to be able to trust that their neighboring country has their best interest at heart. Incidents such as the CIA posing as Polio vaccinators to assassinate Osama Bin Laden have compromised the ability for many countries, such as Nigeria and Pakistan, to believe that Polio vaccinators do not have an ulterior motive. With this overwhelming lack of trust at large, eradicating Polio appears to be an unachievable goal.

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1 Response to Practice Opening- strawberryfields4

  1. davidbdale says:

    Your work is strong overall, Fields, but you waste a sentence before getting started.

    A lack of trust between countries all over the world has continued to develop and intensify throughout the years.
    —It matters very little to your thesis whether lack of trust is universal. In fact, it weakens the impact of your specific claims to frame them as part of a global problem.

    This distrust has created skepticism and a sense of paranoia that has stood as a barrier from ridding the world of grisly diseases such as Polio.
    —In fact, the overwhelming attitude for generations has been quite positive among countries cooperating on eradication efforts. You’re completely correct that suspicion, where it occurs, is a drag on the global effort, but it mostly occurs as a reaction to specific events.

    Far too many acts of violence and deceit have transpired for humans to be able to trust that their neighboring country has their best interest at heart.
    —You write well, and your voice has authority.

    Incidents such as the CIA posing as Polio vaccinators to assassinate Osama Bin Laden have compromised the ability for many countries, such as Nigeria and Pakistan, to believe that Polio vaccinators do not have an ulterior motive.
    —As a matter of tone, you reduce this outrageous specific blunder to a mere “incident such as,” which leads readers to believe it’s just one of countless others instead of the most egregious and counterproductive tactic imaginable. A better writing strategy would be to move this anecdote to the top of the paragraph and let its outrageousness convince your readers that distrust and suspicion are the inevitable consequence.

    With this overwhelming lack of trust at large, eradicating Polio appears to be an unachievable goal.
    —You write well, and your voice has authority. 🙂

    Like

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