White Paper – jcirrs

Practice Opening 1:

As the years go on the endangered species list continues to grow. SeaWorld Parks and Entertainment contributes to the death of endangered orca whale species. This world known park needs to be shut down. If SeaWorld Parks and Entertainment is shut down, then the wild orca popular will discontinue to suffer.

Practice Opening 2:

Imagine being captured from your home, instructed to preform stunts against your will, and constantly stalked by tourists from all around the world. This type of cruelty happens at all the Sea World Parks and Entertainment locations. As humanitarians, we must shut down the multiple parks. If the parks are shut down, then animal cruelty to sea creatures will be eliminated.

Hypothesis 1:
If SeaWorld is shut down, then many sea life species will no longer be endangered.

Hypothesis 2:
If Sea World is shut down, then sea creatures will no longer be treated cruelly and it will start a trend amongst other animal parks.

Topics for Smaller Papers:

-sea world contributes to endangered species in sea life
-how Sea World captures their animals by kidnapping the babies from their families and throw the dead whales back into the sea
-forcing the animals to preform against their will causes them psychotic distress, thus putting performers and trainers in danger while working with the animals in the water
-captive animal attacks verses wild animal attacks

Current State of Paper:

(proving sea world causes endangerment to orcas)
SeaWorld Of Hurt has been working together with PETA for many years trying to liberate the captured mammals held in SeaWorld throughout the country. Sea World shortens the life expectancy of orca whales. According to their website, orca whales have a lifespan of, “…60 to 70 years for males and 80 to more than 100 for females”(Para 5). The average age of a captive whale is about 9 years. This is due to the fact that orcas are not in their natural habitats. Orcas can fend for themselves and supply food for their families; they are not in any danger in the seas.

PETA. “10 Things You Didn’t Know About SeaWorld – SeaWorld of Hurt.” SeaWorld of Hurt. N.p., 2015. Web. 10 Oct. 2015.

(capturing of the orcas)
The process of capturing an orca is almost as disgusting as their lives in captivity. In an interview from the film Blackfish, Harold Garret explains, whale capturers light bombs with acetylene torches from their boats and throw them into the ocean in order to drive the whales into coves for an easier capture. John Crowe, a former diver and whale capturer, says, “…When the whole hunt was over, there were 3 dead whales. So they had us cut the whales open, fill them with rocks, put anchors on their tails and sink them.” SeaWorld’s partners accidentally murdered three innocent baby whales during the capture for their entertainment parks. What most people do not know is that whales are mammals just like humans; they can feel and express their emotions. During the capture, the whale hunters get young ones that they want and drop nets to capture them. The other whales have the option to leave, but they stayed and watch the babies get abducted. Crowe justifies, “it’s like kidnapping a little kid away from their mother”. SeaWorld is responsible for separating orca families and emotionally destroying mothers for lives.

Blackfish. Dir. Gabriela Cowperthwaite. Prod. Manny Oteyza. 2013. Documentary.

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5 Responses to White Paper – jcirrs

  1. jcirrs says:

    Feedback was requested.

    Feedback provided.


  2. davidbdale says:

    Opening 1.
    —Regarding your content, I’d be VERY surprised if you can make this argument convincingly, jcirrs. If SeaWorld were actually responsible for the extinction of any species, there would be a massive outcry to shut them down, as you suggest. But that’s a very heavy claim to have to prove.
    —Regarding your writing style, I suggest you take notice of how many times you said “SeaWorld Parks and Entertainment” in four sentence: 3 times. That should encourage you to rephrase to eliminate the repetition. For example

    For nothing but our amusement, SeaWorld Parks and Entertainment contributes to the death of endangered sea life species. We must shut down the parks to eliminate an unnecessary risk to the very existence of vulnerable species.

    Opening 2.
    —This would be much stronger if the examples of mishandling were drawn more forcefully, jcirrs. “Captured” starts off pretty well, but “trained” is weakly negative, and “watched” doesn’t sound cruel at all. Then you also repeat Sea World Parks and Entertainment three times again.

    Hypothesis 1.
    Phrase this so that readers understand you want to decrease the danger, not decrease the number of species. Right now, it’s not clear at all. They might think you want to reduce the number of species. See what I mean?

    Hypothesis 2.
    I’m in favor of bold statements, but you could easily be understood to mean that the only place on earth where animals are treated cruelly is at SeaWorld.

    Smaller Papers
    —Just a restatement of your Openings and your Hypotheses
    —How they capture them is useful if it demonstrates the cruelty of the capture OR that it is oblivious to the health of the ecosystem the captors leave behind.
    —The danger to performers seems completely off-topic.
    —Animal attacks are pertinent how? If they demonstrate that the animals are made psychotic by their confinement, I can see the value. Is that what you will show?

    Current State
    This paragraph is not very helpful to an observer looking for confirmation that you have discovered good material, jcirrs. Its promises are too vague to be of much value.

    Start summarizing the source material in your White Paper immediately.
    DON’T start a new post. Just continue to add material to this one.

    Was this helpful, jcirrs? Reply, please.


  3. jcirrs says:

    Yes this was helpful. I just edited it and added a couple paragraphs that i will be using in my paper to prove my hypothesis points.


  4. jcirrs says:

    Feedback was requested.

    Feedback, please.


  5. davidbdale says:

    Opening 1.
    That’s a very compelling and specific thesis, jcirrs. If you can convincingly demonstrate that SeaWorld is endangering the very existence of an animal they HELPED MAKE POPULAR, you’d be making a very important argument.

    Opening 2.
    This opening is OK, but it needs visual reinforcement. Think of the caged humans in a Planet of the Apes movie, for example. Have us visualize humans placed in “stocks,” as they were in pre-Revolution France, for example, or in Salem during the witch trials, or in “The Leftovers” series. When we can picture ourselves in those circumstances, we can start to feel sympathy for animals isolated from their kind and subjected to public scrutiny.

    Hypothesis 1.
    Perfectly fine, but maybe you could, to better effect, imagine what a truly effective SeaWorld would be, one that rescued endangered animals, presented them to the public in the most natural way possible, and encouraged efforts to preserve them in the wild.

    Hypothesis 2.
    That “trend” you suggest could be the trend I’m suggesting above.

    Smaller Papers
    —The separating families argument might be the best. It certainly further endangers the continued existence of natural species in their natural environment.
    —The “forced to perform” argument is valuable in a way you might not expect. You could use it to discredit SeaWorld’s claims that they’re doing animals a favor when they capture them and protect them in the parks. Your brilliant rebuttal to that is: “A brutal death in the wild might be preferable to a long life of psychological torture in confinement.”

    Current State.
    —The SeaWorld of Hurt argument is brilliant. I hope you find a use for it.
    —The “10 Things You Didn’t Know” anecdote about whale capture is heartbreaking. Very persuasive. Use it to refute claims that whales are being “relocated to places where they’ll be cared for and protected.”

    Feeling good about your paper so far, jcirrs?
    You certainly have found some compelling material.

    Reply, please.


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