visual rewrite-hiralp365

The advertisement begins with camera focusing on middle aged blonde woman dancing along to music. The music seems to be loud guitar sound with no words. There are also few people in background, holding red party cups in dim lit house. According to the clothing style and taste of the music this may be filmed  bit back in days.

(0:00-0:01)The blonde woman has happy expression and is dancing to the music while talking to her friend on her left. The first thing the woman says “And what was that?” to her friend. At same time in a background the girl spilled drink over a guy’s shirt who was trying to clean it.

(0:02-0:03) The blonde woman’s friend replies back unable to keep her head and posture straight. The blonde woman lifts up big black glass bottle with her right hand similar to alcohol bottle. As soon she drinks it, there’s clogging sound of something being struck in the throat. Her head remains in same position up towards with her mouth open and eyes wide open as well.

(0:04-0:06) She placing left palm of her hand over her mouth while it was towards ceiling. And slowly brings head down with hand pressed over her mouth. Her friend looks at her shaking bit to drunk to react in any way but smile.

(0:08-0:11) Her friend looks at her shaking bit while the blonde woman puts her hand out with very concern face and then spits out her tooth. Her other friend seems to be shocked and starts to laugh bit covering her mouth.

(0:12-0:13) The blonde woman laughs while looking at the tooth she lost on palm of her hand.

(0:14-0:15)  The woman is still holding tooth on her hand. And tries to complete sentence of what she wants to say while looking at her broken tooth  but is unable to. Her friend leans towards her side and laughs, looking at the tooth in her hand.

(0:16-0:18) Both of the women fall down losing balance  on to the couch behind them with loud laugher holding each other.

At the end of (0:18) the video says it’s easy to tell if you had too many.

(0:19)  Now the focus goes towards this other young girl who is sitting next to this young guy on the house staircase in the same previous setting and talking. There are two bottles of alcohol and one red cup next to the staircase where they both are sitting.

(0:20) She holds out her car key smiling at him and seem to be saying “no, I’m not drunk.”

(0:21-0:23)  As she gets up smiling, he makes bye gesture with his hand. She gets down on the stairs and makes shush gesture with her finger over her lips. As if it were secret between them that she was drunk.

At this part of video there’s message “what if you just had one too many”

(0:24) She steps down on the steps of the stair smiling at him and crouches down pinking up her jacket to run towards the door out.

(0:28-0:29) The guy face expression he’s not happy about her leaving and is concerned.

From (0:25-0:30) till the end of video, a slogan comes up in white letters “Buzz driving is drunk driving”

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4 Responses to visual rewrite-hiralp365

  1. hiralp365 says:

    Feedback was requested.

    Feedback provided.


  2. davidbdale says:

    OK, hiralp. Let’s go.

    Judging from the image Youtube chose for the opening screen, I haven’t seen this video. I’ll read your explanation without watching and see if I can clearly visualize what you’re describing.

    I notice right away that you’re providing sound cues. This is a mistake. The assignment is a VISUAL rhetoric analysis. I’ve been pretty clear about this, I think, in the official written assignment, in our inclass presentation about Thai Life Insurance, in our practice analysis regarding domestic violence. ALL examples have ignored the audio track entirely and gathered all their information from the VISUAL.

    00. Gotcha. Middle-aged woman dancing. We should not know what she’s dancing TO. Red party cups is a good clue, odd for a middle-aged party. Is this woman out of place at a party for youth? Is she (are they) indoors or out? What’s the house like? A frat house? An expensive suburban home? An apartment? It may not matter, but you can bet the filmmakers chose the location carefully and for a reason. What do you suppose is the reason? Judge the decade from the clothes if you can. 1990? 1980? 2000?

    01. Friend? Male? Female? Older? Younger? Remember, we’re not watching. We depend on you for everything. Look back at the Thai Life Insurance example. You should not know what the woman says. Grammar Note: Do you have trouble with articles (a, an, the)? [At THE same time in THE background A girl HAS spilled A drink over a guy’s shirt AND IS trying to clean it.]

    02-03. I get the feeling you’re trying to describe the beginning of a gag reflex and possible choking. It’s hard to tell. I’m also getting the impression from your phrasing that you have remnants of second-language acquisition. Please advise me if you’d like me to take this into consideration when I read your work.

    You are allowed to draw conclusions to make this work easier, hiralp. You may say, for example: the blond shows clear signs of intoxication. She’s not only happy and bubbly, which she indicates with the goofy broad smile and overemoting, but she’s also unsteady on her feet and can’t even keep her head from bobbing. Find a quick way to identify the blond woman’s friend. Call her Bubbles or something.

    04-06. Is she gagging? Choking? Is she vomiting into her hand? Maybe you can’t tell for sure during these two seconds, but drawing conclusions from what you CAN tell is important. Speculate please.

    08-11. What the hell? Did she knock out her own tooth drinking from that big clear bottle? Maybe you’re confused too, but we CERTAINLY are from your description. What’s going on here?

    12-13. The blonde woman laughs at the loss of her own tooth? Or the blond woman laughs at the loss of her friend’s tooth? I’m confused who’s who.

    14-15. So weird.

    16-18. Wow. The best I can tell they’re both so drunk they actually think losing a tooth for no apparent reason is funny. Maybe it’s a metaphor. They’re laughing off a very serious situation (the same way a person who’s had one drink too many might shrug off her intoxication).

    18. I guess so. If you’re laughing about losing teeth, you’ve had too many.

    19. Is this or is this not the couple of the spilled drink?

    20. Wouldn’t “holding out her car key” mean she wants him to drive, which would in turn indicate that she knows she’s drunk?

    21-23. The best I can tell, it’s important for viewers to be able to distinguish between the characters who clearly have had too many and the characters who just MIGHT have had ONE too many. But I find if very hard to tell from your descriptions of these characters which are which. You’ll need to draw that distinction clearly for us.

    The last few bits of your analysis suggest that the car key girl is buzzed, knows it but is in denial, and isn’t fooling the guy, who nonetheless feels powerless to stop her from driving. You can say that, provided you back up your own claims with evidence from the video that gives you the evidence to draw those conclusions.

    I hope you found these notes helpful, hiralp. You didn’t ask for feedback until Monday night, and there’s clearly not enough time left for you to do a thorough rewrite by today’s deadline, but don’t worry. You can catch up if you put your mind to it.

    You’ve already published your Visual Rewrite—hiralp365, so you’ve met the deadline. NOW continue to revise and refine your post until the end of the week. I certainly won’t grade it before the weekend, so you can make improvements until then. Even after that, you can always continue to revise and ask for additional feedback.

    The only way the feedback loop ends is when you receive significant feedback and then make only miniscule changes. In other words, when I’m working harder than you are, I stop.

    OK? Reply, please.


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