Practice Opening—spaghettitacosforthesoul

Haruna Katata

The extermination of polio is increasingly difficult because of the result of fear-mongering within Nigeria. Haruna Kaita, a professor of pharmacy at Ahmadu Bello University, is known for spreading false information against the polio vaccine. There have been misconceptions stating that the vaccine contained birth control, HIV, birth defecting or, cancerous substances. This has created propaganda within the Muslim community fearing that the polio vaccine might be an intended American genocide against them. Although Kaita has recognized his bad influence, fear-mongering the polio vaccine is a never-ending battle within the Nigerian community. It is detrimental to the lives of Muslims because it stops the overall positive influence within groups to choose to be vaccinated.

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2 Responses to Practice Opening—spaghettitacosforthesoul

  1. davidbdale says:

    Just a quick note to acknowledge that I’ve noticed your post in the Feedback Please category, spaghettitacosforthesoul. I have classes this morning, but I’ll be doing feedback this afternoon.

    I created the spaghettitacosforthesoul category for you in class, so it’s possible you didn’t elect to be in the Feedback Please category just now, but I’ll proceed with feedback anyway.

    Before I go, let me just say that your first three sentences might be effectively combined. “The extermination of polio is increasingly difficult because of the result of fear-mongering within Nigeria. Haruna Kaita, a professor of pharmacy at Ahmadu Bello University, is known for spreading false information against the polio vaccine. There have been misconceptions stating that the vaccine contained birth control, HIV, birth defecting or, cancerous substances.”

    1. Fear mongering has hampered vaccination
    2. Haruna Kaita is a fear mongerer
    3. Misconceptions have been spread

    Can we FIRST connect Haruna Kaita with the fear mongering and the misconceptions that have thwarted eradication efforts in a single sentence? Once you do that, you can backfill with his credentials and the details of the rumors he has spread.

    We’ll discuss this further, plus the good things you’re doing here, unless you want to reword your post before I return.

    Like

  2. davidbdale says:

    Tacos, it appears you haven’t made any revisions since my feedback yesterday so we’ll just carry forward. I should mention here that we never look back in this class. Even when you do make revisions, I won’t be painstakingly comparing your current draft to earlier drafts to see what you’ve improved. Instead, we’ll deal with the draft in front of us to see if it can be further improved. So, let’s do that.

    It’s hard to tell whether you want to tell the Nigeria story for its own sake or use it to illustrate the global problem of eradication, Tacos, but you should choose one.

    You’ve got fear-mongering, false information, misconceptions, propaganda, bad influence, fear-mongering again, all swirling around without much clear structure here.
    —Extermination is hampered by fear-mongering
    —Kaita spreads false information
    —There have been misconceptions
    —THIS (the misconceptions) has created propaganda
    —Kaita recognizes his Bad Influence, but
    —fear-mongering persists
    —IT overwhelms the Good Influence

    This is a draft, so we don’t expect full fluency or polish. Maybe you’re unclear yourself on where all the distrust is coming from, but you must give the impression that you’re in command of the material or your readers will not be persuaded.

    As always, spaghettitacosforthesoul, if you’re going to want feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it. When you receive it, please revise your work or respond to the feedback or both. I look forward to your reactions.

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