3 Responses to Practice Opening – Lunaduna

1. davidbdale says:

   September 15, 2021 at 8:35 am

   Just a quick note to acknowledge that I’ve noticed your post in the Feedback Please category, Lunaduna. I have classes this morning, but I’ll be doing feedback this afternoon.

   Before I go, let me just say that your paragraph, which starts out strong, devolves into a list of vague allegations:
   1. Nigerians fear
   2. Trust needs to be solved
   3. A theory was a claim
   4. Violence is a reason
   5. Workers were killed

   Reading that list, readers would have no idea who was responsible for what.

   We’ll discuss that further, plus the good things you’re doing here, unless you want to reword your opening before I return.

   I have created the Lunaduna category for you.

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2. davidbdale says:

   September 16, 2021 at 3:08 am

   Lunaduna, it appears you haven’t made any revisions since my feedback yesterday, so we’ll just carry forward. I should mention here that we never look back in this class. Even when you do make revisions, I won’t be painstakingly comparing your current draft to earlier drafts to see what you’ve improved. Instead, we’ll deal with the draft in front of us to see if it can be further improved. So, let’s do that.

   The poliovirus will most likely never be eradicated.
   —Good, strong, bold, clear claim. Exactly the sort of muscular declarative you should aspire to write. Your ideas should be complex; your writing should be simple and direct.

   Today’s world has many other issues to take control of, such as the fear of vaccines.
   —This isn’t really “another issue.” Fear of vaccines is precisely why eradication is unlikely (or at least one reason why).

   Plenty of people in Nigeria fear that the oral polio vaccine was contaminated with AIDS.
   —Your sentences are mostly identical in length. This one could possibly be combined with the second sentence since the Nigerian fear is “the fear of vaccines.”

   The trust issues within Nigeria need to be solved first, before forcing vaccinators to treat children.
   —I’m unclear what you mean by “forcing vaccinators.” Certainly trust would be useful if vaccines are optional, but if they’re compulsory, distrust wouldn’t be a big concern.

   An additional theory was a false claim that stated some vaccines had traces of estradiol, which led to the vaccine ban in 2003.
   —This sequence is off. AIDS contamination is one source of fear. The fear of estradiol (whatever that is) is another source of fear. THEN “the trust issues” need to be solved.

   Violence is another reason why the vaccine was not distributed. In August of 2011, many aid workers were killed by the bombings of Islamist insurgent group.
   —Violence doesn’t need its own introduction. When aid workers are killed by bombs, you don’t need to point out that violence is another category.

   Your paragraph doesn’t actually conclude, Lunaduna. It just ends. Like a good essay, a good paragraph has a shape. Your last sentence should either round the circle or point to the next.

   As always, Luna, if you’re going to want feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it. When you receive it, please revise or respond or both. I look forward to your reactions.

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3. Lunaduna says:

   September 16, 2021 at 9:15 am

   Thank you for the feedback, I understand what I need to work on to improve my writing. I will begin to work on it now.

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