4 Responses to Practice Opening—ziggy026

1. davidbdale says:

   September 15, 2021 at 8:24 am

   Just a quick note to acknowledge that I’ve noticed your post in the Feedback Please category, Ziggy. I have classes this morning, but I’ll be doing feedback this afternoon.

   Before I go, let me just say that your opening gambit is wordy. “The unarguable reason that the Polio epidemic will not subside for the foreseeable future is doubtlessly fear. Whether the aforementioned fear is due to the CIA’s Pakistan-Afghanistan fake vaccination campaign”

   I don’t want to cramp your style if you’re committed to this tone, but all you really mean is, “Because of fear, we will never eradicate polio. The CIA’s fake vaccination campaign understandably terrified its Pakistani victims, perhaps forever.”

   We’ll discuss that further, plus the good things you’re doing here, unless you want to reword your opening before I return.

   I have created the Ziggy026 category for you (You can drop the 026 if you wish).

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2. ziggy026 says:

   September 15, 2021 at 11:36 am

   I updated the opening, thank you for the feedback so far!

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   • davidbdale says:

     September 15, 2021 at 5:16 pm

     You’re my new favorite student, Ziggy!

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3. davidbdale says:

   September 16, 2021 at 2:38 am

   Ziggy, I cannot tell you how delighted I am to see you’ve made revisions to close out our first feedback loop. I will also mention here that we never look back in this class. I won’t be painstakingly comparing your current draft to earlier drafts to see what you’ve improved. Instead, we’ll deal with the draft in front of us to see if it can be further improved. So, let’s do that. Your first sentence is now brief and bold and clear. Does it feel good? Can you maintain that directness and simplicity?

   Whether this fear is due to the CIA’s Pakistan-Afghanistan fake vaccination campaign, or the ever-present fear of vaccinations that plagues many American parents today (similar to the diseases that will undeniably plague themselves and their unvaccinated children).
   —Now that you’ve separated this “Whether, or” section from the much-improved first sentence, it’s no longer a sentence itself. This is a fragment. To redeem it, you’d have to write something like, “Whether the fear is due to A or B, it will surely kill us all.” You’ve neglected the “it will surely kill us all” part. For my money, the “whether/or” construction is just too long-winded. Maybe break it down. In Pakistan, the fear arose from . . . Meanwhile, in the US, the distrust of . . .

   With this in mind, it’s impossible to argue that as a society we will never completely eradicate the existence of the polio virus.
   —Couple things here. Two negatives have got your claims crossed. It’s always possible to argue. And I think you DO mean to argue that “we will never completely eradicate polio.” Existence doesn’t have to be eradicated, only the virus. So, what I think you mean here is, “With so much distrust, we will never eradicate polio.” Which, clearly, is just a restatement of your opening sentence.

   The number of people who disagree and/or fear vaccinations is rising, when in order to rid ourselves of the terrible virus, the numbers need to continue to fall until there are no more.
   —Sure. But mostly another restatement. “Vaccination hesitancy is rising; vaccination acceptance is essential to polio’s eradication.”

   Mass inoculations are the only solution to this epidemic, which will never be achieved if we continue our trend of trypanophobia.
   —Nice, neat formula. Sounds familiar. Acceptance is crucial; refusal will only prolong the suffering.

   As always, Ziggy, if you’re going to want more feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it. So far we’re doing beautifully, but don’t flag. Revise or respond or both. And thanks again for the changes you’ve already made.

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