Practice Opening-lokiofasgard24

Building immunized communities in 3rd world countries has proven difficult, making the path to worldwide polio eradication improbable. The efforts by the United Nations along with the WHO to fund and vaccinate these communities, have shown unsuccessful due to the poor living conditions and vaccine hesitancy within certain religious groups. With these campaigns follows a moral dilemma. Going into communities where the polio vaccine is religiously denied, takes away their human rights. In another case, bringing vaccines into refugee camps then leaving sends a crude message: we don’t care for these peoples health truly, our goal is  just to eradicate polio worldwide.

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3 Responses to Practice Opening-lokiofasgard24

  1. davidbdale says:

    Loki of Asgard. Got it.
    It would make a great avatar.

    Like

  2. davidbdale says:

    This is fine work overall, Loki, so I’ll confine my comments for this post to phrasing problems that create confusion. You may wish to counter that I was able to discern your meaning, which is a reasonable rejoinder. But the best sentences are those that deliver your meaning by making the reader do just the right amount of work. Any extra effort required to interpret your message invites miscommunication.
    So:
    —3rd-world countries, or third-world countries
    —”improbable” is used to describe things that have occurred despite the odds, not things that are unlikely to occur.
    tries has proven difficult, making the path to worldwide polio eradication improbable.
    —The efforts have been to vaccinate the communities and to fund the vaccinations. Your sentence suggests that the UN is trying to fund communities.
    —”have been shown to be effective” is good syntax where “shown” is passive. “Shown” can be active, too, in sentences like “The US has shown the world that eradication is possible.” But “efforts have shown unsuccessful” is incorrect.
    —It’s unclear whether you mean “poor living conditions” generally or “poor living conditions within certain religious groups.” In other words, do the groups display both vaccine hesitancy and poor living conditions? Your use of the article “the” suggests that the vaccine-hesitant groups suffer from poor conditions.
    —Your moral dilemma sentence is elegant, but I think you mean, “FROM these campaigns follows a moral dilemma.” Less confusing would be, “These campaigns present a moral dilemma.”
    —Lose the comma in your human rights sentence.
    —Couple of punctuation problems with your final sentence:

    In another case, bringing vaccines into refugee camps then leaving sends a crude message: we don’t care for these people[‘]s health truly[;] our goal is just to eradicate polio worldwide.

    An overall Note:
    Your overall premise seems to be that eradication is unlikely, but many of your claims are agnostic on the eradication question. Poor living conditions (for some reason) and vaccine hesitancy (for obvious reasons) are thwarting the effort, but how does respect or disrespect for human rights affect the campaign? How does the “we don’t care” message affect the campaign?

    I hope you’ll choose to revise this post, Loki, but even if you don’t, please reply so I’ll know you value the process.

    Like

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