3 Responses to Practice Opening – comatosefox

1. davidbdale says:

   September 15, 2021 at 8:43 am

   Just a quick note to acknowledge that I’ve noticed your post in the Feedback Please category, comatosefox. I have classes this morning, but I’ll be doing feedback this afternoon.

   Before I go, let me just say that your paragraph is bold and direct, but too generalized. One detail would clarify your approach.

   These are platitudes:
   1. The world will never be ready.
   2. Seeds of mistrust have been planted.
   3. Rumors are the bane.
   4. (Rumors caused a rise in cases)
   5. Nations can’t cooperate.

   Don’t give readers three sentences to bail on your argument. NAME THAT RUMOR early and very specifically. It will capture attention and engage interest. THEN you can generalize, even platitudinize, from the specific case.

   We’ll discuss that further, plus the good things you’re doing here, unless you want to reword your post before I return.

   I have created the comatosefox category for you.

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2. davidbdale says:

   September 16, 2021 at 3:20 am

   Comatosefox, it appears you haven’t made any revisions since my feedback yesterday, so we’ll just carry forward. I should mention here that we never look back in this class. Even when you do make revisions, I won’t be painstakingly comparing your current draft to earlier drafts to see what you’ve improved. Instead, we’ll deal with the draft in front of us to see if it can be further improved. So, let’s do that.

   The world may never be ready to eradicate polio, no matter how life threatening it can be. The seeds of mistrust have been planted in numerous countries throughout the world. Rumors are the bane of everyone’s existence, any lie passed on to the right people can cause an enormous amount of damage. Nigeria fell victim to rumors doubting the polio vaccine in 2003, causing a rise from twenty cases to a thousand in 2006. The nations we have today will never be able to work together like they once did in order to eliminate smallpox.

   For the most part, you are confining yourself to straightforward claims and simple language, always a good strategy. Your paragraph has a clear logical sequence.
   —We won’t eliminate polio.
   —Because of mistrust.
   —Mistrust spreads through rumor.
   —The Nigerian rumor resulted in a polio surge.
   —Mistrust will prevent us from repeating the smallpox triumph.

   It’s bleak but clear. Put that together with yesterday’s feedback and see if you can craft a really persuasive small argument by replacing generalizations with specific details to drive your message.

   As always, Fox, if you’re going to want feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it. When you receive it, please revise your work or respond to the feedback or both. I look forward to your reactions.

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3. comatosefox says:

   September 16, 2021 at 10:47 am

   Thank you for the feedback! I forgot to look yesterday, I’ll make sure to keep an eye out for feedback in the future.

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