Practice Opening—toastedflatbread

The world is too concerned with other emergencies to eradicate polio. With the recent Covid-19 pandemic, borders in poor, Polio-active countries have been closed, shutting out connection to Polio vaccines. Additionally, the US pulled out of the combined fight against Polio. The ultimate concern is that this pause in progress will inflate Polio cases and undo past work. The Covid-19 pandemic threatens the lives of thousands of children, especially as 200,000 Polio cases lurk in the future. This will elongate the time needed to make Polio a thing of the past.

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2 Responses to Practice Opening—toastedflatbread

  1. davidbdale says:

    Just a quick note to acknowledge that I’ve noticed your post in the Feedback Please category, Flatbread. I have classes this morning, but I’ll be doing feedback this afternoon.

    Before I go, let me just say that your opening phrase is problematic. “The current state of the world is too concerned” is syntactically incorrect. The world might be too concerned, but “the state of the world” can’t do anything. As for the rest of your sentence, “The current state of the world is too concerned with other emergencies to put needed effort into eradicating polio,” as brief as it is, all it really means is, “The world is too busy with real emergencies to eradicate polio.”

    We’ll discuss that further, plus the good things you’re doing here, unless you want to reword your opening before I return.

    I have created the toastedflatbread category for you.

    Like

  2. davidbdale says:

    Flatbread, I cannot tell you how delighted I am to see you’ve made revisions to close out our first feedback loop. I will also mention here that we never look back in this class. I won’t be painstakingly comparing your current draft to earlier drafts to see what you’ve improved. Instead, we’ll deal with the draft in front of us to see if it can be further improved. So, let’s do that. Your first sentence is now brief and bold and clear. Does it feel good? Can you maintain that directness and simplicity?
    The world is too concerned with other emergencies to eradicate polio.

    With the recent Covid-19 pandemic, borders in poor, Polio-active countries have been closed, shutting out connection to Polio vaccines.
    —You’re working the theme here. COVID responses have complicated polio eradication efforts. I appreciate the brevity of “shutting out connection to polio vaccines,” but I’m not sure I understand it. Do vaccines usually cross international borders? Or is it vaccination teams that aren’t able to enter the countries?

    Additionally, the US pulled out of the combined fight against Polio.
    —I really like, “additionally,” and your language is both brief and clear except for the ambiguity of “combined fight.” Is it connected to the closing of international borders? Does it mean teams from the US are not traveling to “polio-active countries” to immunize children?

    The ultimate concern is that this pause in progress will inflate Polio cases and undo past work.
    —You’re very good at creating the small but potent phrases that carry your content. “Undo past work” is brilliant. “Pause in progress” is lovely too. But “cases” can’t be inflated. Maybe “numbers” can.

    The Covid-19 pandemic threatens the lives of thousands of children, especially as 200,000 Polio cases lurk in the future.
    —Polio rarely kills, but paralysis is super serious, so the consequences are still dire, just not lethal. You’ll have to somehow indicate where the number comes from. Is it a projection of how many cases will result over a number of years from a failure to vaccinate a certain number of children, or . . . ?

    This will elongate the time needed to make Polio a thing of the past.
    —Pretty bland conclusion, don’t you think? Especially since it contains no new claim.

    As always, Flatbread, if you’re going to want more feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it. So far we’re doing beautifully, but don’t flag.

    Like

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