Editing for Logic
Negative Sports Media
Needs Work: Professional sports are known as great entertainment, but some people only find and report the negative news that they hear or see. News reporters, for example the reporters of newspapers and news shows, don’t always write about what happens on the field, but rather find aspects of what professional players do wrong off of the field.
The first sentence sets up a false contradiction. There’s nothing contradictory about:
A: Sports are great entertainment
B: Reporters go negative
As a consequence, readers don’t know what to make of the very first sentence, and the author loses most of her credibility.Revised to show a more obvious contradiction:
A: Sports are thrilling for the physical feats on display in athletic competition.
B: However, many reporters ignore the spectacle on the field and concentrate only on reporting negative off-the-field activities.The revised version is identical in content to the second sentence of the Needs Work version, a clear demonstration that the first sentence was wasteful and confusing.
Exercise:
- Rewrite the paragraph in a Reply below, in one sentence or two.
- Identify your comment as “Negative Sports Media.”
Learning in Our Sleep
Needs Work. Sleep is the most effective tool a person can utilize when wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of their brain. The more sleep someone gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.
The sentences Fail For Grammar (FFG) twice for pronoun disagreement (a person/their brain) (someone/their performance/they). But besides that, they’re also quite wordy and get the essay off to a very slow start.
The sentence says: Sleep is the most effective tool a person can utilize when wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of their brain.
Which means: Sleep improves the brain’s efficiency.The sentence says: The more sleep someone gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.
Which means: Sleeping longer helps us learn and perform better on exams.
Exercise:
- Rewrite the paragraph in a Reply below, in two sentences (or one if you can manage it). Consider using a brief, simple illustration. The tone is informational but light.
- Identify your comment as “Hooray Sleep.”
Failing Schools
Needs Work: The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will successfully guide underprivileged students in the right direction to become successful. Many disadvantaged students in areas like New York City are forced to attend large high schools with extremely low graduation rates. These high schools are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers. Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.” These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.
The sentences introduce plenty of material but are wordy and repetitious.
Fat: The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will successfully guide underprivileged students in the right direction to become successful
Lean: Underprivileged students are more likely to succeed when large failing public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.
Fat: Many disadvantaged students in areas like New York City are forced to attend large high schools with extremely low graduation rates.
Lean (combine with 1st sentence): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when large failing public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.
Fat: These high schools are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers.
Lean: (Combine 1st 3 sentences): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.
Fat: Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.”
Lean (combine with 1, 2, 3): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers.
Fat: These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.
Lean: Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.
Final Product:
Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.
Exercise: Expand the final two-sentence version back out to three or four sentences, adding a hook, a brief illustration, or an expression of opinion.
- Identify your comment as “Failing Schools.”
Death with Dignity
Needs Work. Paul Lamb, 57, was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident twenty- three years ago. He lives day by day in pain. His only release is the constant drip of morphine into his body. Mr. Lamb is not the man that he wanted to be, having to be dependent on the help from others. He describes his life as “unbearable” because of the intense pain. He has gone to court multiple times in the hope that someone will be merciful and allow him to end his suffering, but he got rejected.
The paragraph suffers from a choppy, repetitive sentence structure. Every sentence begins with Paul Lamb or a pronoun referring to Paul Lamb. The result is a series of five unrelated statements that make no argument.
One Solution: Paul Lamb, 57, deserves the right to be released from his pain and dependency. For 23 years, he has lived in unbearable pain, or debilitated by a morphine drip that eases the body’s agony without relieving his total dependence on others since quadriplegia deprived him of the use of his limbs. Since he cannot be the man he wants to be, Lamb has spent years unsuccessfully battling the courts for the right to end his suffering.
Exercise: Rewrite the same material to emphasize why Mr. Lamb, and nobody else, should have the right to decide his fate.
- Identify your comment as “Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death.”
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Counterintuitive Spring 2023 
Negative Sports media
Professional Sports provide ample entertainment. Going past only reporting what is happening at the game you’re watching reporters report on all of the events surrounding the players of the sport, including the negative ones.
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Hooray Sleep
Sleep is the most efficient way to improve your test scores and memory recall.
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Failing Schools
Children are like crops, planted correctly they’ll sprout and grow. Too close and they’ll destroy themselves and everything near. Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.
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Negative Sports Media
The thrilling world of professional sports, a highly lucrative industry, is much beloved by fans around the world. Sports reporters, however, are not always content to write exclusively about what happens on the field: more unscrupulous journalists prefer to find scandalous scoops off the field rather than on it.
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Nice! Takes a point of view! Is unafraid to call out the unscrupulous!
Between you and me, they’re probably mostly just lazy, but yeah, scruples would interfere with the shortcut.
🙂
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Negative sports media
Sports have always been a great method of entertainment for people. Despite this, some reports overlook the spectacles on the field and instead dig into the players and coaches personal lives, knit-picking everything they’ve ever done.
Hooray sleep
The more sleep that one gets is a direct influence on how efficiently their mind works the net day. When taking a test the next day, wouldn’t any reasonable person want to be well-rested?
Failing schools
Everybody wants the classroom to be a fair environment for everybody to learn and succeed in. That being so, why is ensuring the education of lower income and less privileged youth not more of a priority for society? People should not be moved into schools that they can not succeed in.
Mr Lambs Dignified Death
Once your dead, nothing about your life and how you met your fate will change. In my opinion, robbing somebody of that final verdict of how they met the end of their life is one of the most immoral things that can be done in this world. Nobody should die at somebody elses hands.
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1.) Hooray Sleep
Getting more sleep can help improve test scores and their ability to retain information they are learning.
2.) Negative Sports Media
Sports media is used as a form of entertainment to those who interested in it. But sometimes reporters do not always report about what goes on with athletes while on the field, but also off.
3.) Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death
Paul Lamb, 57 deserves the right to be released from his personal pain and way of living due to a fatal car accident he was involved in 23 years ago. The only way Mr. Lamb is able to wake up every morning is because of a constant drip of morphine that eases the feeling that his body is falling apart. Mr. Lamb has only ever wanted to be an independent man who is able to survive on his own, and for the last 23 years he has not been able to carry out this belief due to the fact that court has rejected his request to end his suffering.
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Negative Sports Media
Professional sports are a great source of positive entertainment. Reporters, however, seem only to focus on the negative, choosing to report on the potentially problematic lives of the players off the field instead of the sport.
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Hooray Sleep: Sleep is important for increased brain function, longer sleep helps with learning and performance on exams.
Failing schools: Disadvantaged students in new york city are not graduating at the rate their peers are. Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed. If we want children to get the education they deserve, we need to incorporate specialized schools for these deprived students.
Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death: Paul Lamb, a 57-year-old man that was left quadriplegic in a car accident twenty- three years ago. He’s in terrible pain and is not living the life he wants. He goes to court in hopes of being granted assisted suicide. They deny him, however, nobody should be allowed to have a say in who dies and who doesn’t, not even Mr. Lamb himself. Assisted suicide is something no one should be allowed to decide and when their time on earth has run out, only then should someone pass away.
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Hooray Sleep
Students desperately cramming for that next test may, in fact, be better served by some extra sleep rather than proverbially “burning the candle at both ends”. Sleep, research indicates, makes the brain more efficient at both learning new information and performing on exams.
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Negative sports media
Professional athletes are seen as superheroes. But reporters will quickly remind people they are human like everyone else and bring up things they do wrong.
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Hooray Sleep: Sleep is a wonderful tool that can be used to improve the performance and efficiency of your brain, and it is especially useful when you get more sleep because it can help you perform on exams and other learning environments.
Negative Sports Media: Sports are a good form of entertainment for the public, specifically for those that are interested in it. However, sometimes people only like to report negative news that they hear or see, whether it is on the field or off the field.
Mr Lamb’s Dignified Death: Paul Lamb is a 57 year old quadriplegic who became quadriplegic in a car accident twenty three years ago, and because of this he lives in pain every day. He really believes his life in unbearable because of this pain and wishes to end his suffering and has made attempts before, but courts have always rejected his requests.
Failing Schools: In New York City, underprivileged students are more likely to graduate more than those in publics schools that the students have to go to, and definitely more than those in inner city students.
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1: Negative Sports Media
Professional Sports Broadcasters tend to report heavily on athletes’ lives outside of their sport, capitalizing off the entertainment value of these unrelated personal stories that often taint the viewer’s perception of the athlete.
2: Hooray Sleep
Adequate Sleep improves the performance and efficiency of our brains, therefore healthy sleeping habits can positively affect exam performance .
3: Failing Schools
Overcrowded and understaffed inner-city schools often exhibit environments that lead to a decrease in the graduation rates and well-being of the student body. The replacement of these large institutions with several smaller “quality-focused” schools will increase the success of the entire urban education system.
4: Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death
Paul Lamb suffered irreversible injuries after a devastating car accident. For 23 years now, Paul has lived with crippling pain and has unsuccessfully pleaded with the courts to allow for his own death. Since Paul is the only party having to bear this pain, he shall have every right to ask for his own release from it.
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Failing Schools:
It is unfair for a student to be put at a disadvantage before even beginning school. Rather than sending a child to a large, understaffed and under-focused public city school to fail, replacing them with smaller, specialized schools will help the children to have higher rates of success. The city will see vast improvements by giving these poor children at least a chance of succeeding with a good education.
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Failing Schools
Children in New York City are being deprived of success due to attending schools that do not meet their needs. Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed. Our future is determined by the children that are being raised so making sure they have the education needed to succeed is important to everyone.
Negative Sports Media
New Reporters have been spending more time reporting on the negative things professional athletes do off the field instead of focusing on reporting what actually happens on the field.
Hooray Sleep
Sleep is one thing we can do without any thought that can improve the performance and efficiency of our brain.
Mr. Lambs Dignified Death
Paul Lamb describes his life as “unbearable”. Being quadriplegic makes it impossible to do much on his own and he is forever dependent on morphine. He wishes to mercifully end his suffering however his request continues to be denied by people who have no idea what his life is like.
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Negative Sports Media
Negative news is often reported on professional sports when it is known for the great entertainment and loved by fans all around the world. News reporters will write about what happens on the field, rather than off, which they know people will see and change their view of the sport.
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Negative Sports Media:
Professional sports display such power and fortitude within their own specific arenas. Unfortunately, there are those reporters who find it necessary to disregard the beauty of the sport and focus more on the unrelated shenanigans happening on the side-lines.
Hooray Sleep:
Sleep is essential for brain power and learning.
Failing Schools:
Inspiration and opportunity should be within the structure of every student’s school.
Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed. These students require a safe sanctuary that a school should provide, one that will embrace each and every one of them, every day.
Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death:
Paul Lamb, is a dependent, 57 year old, quadriplegic in “unbearable” pain, all due to a car accident from 23 years ago. Mr. Lamb is on a constant morphine drip to help assuage his pain, but it has proved to be useless. Therefore, he has attempted to fight for his right to die honorably, but has, unfortunately, been continuously rejected.
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Negative Sports Media
– Anything related to sports will always be a form of entertainment. However, the media tends to take “entertainment” to the next level, digging into athletes’ lives beyond the field.
Hooray Sleep
– Longer sleep improves the brain’s efficiency to perform better academically or physically.
Failing schools
– Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate compared to the overcrowded, understaffed and badly managed public schools which are replaced with “specialized” schools says, Bill Moyers. Those who live in poverty deserve better instead of a poor excuse for a school.
Mr Lamb’s Dignified Death
– Paul Lamb,57, deserves the request to be put out of his misery. He has been going through unbearable pain for 23 years and in response to the pain doctors put him on morphine taking the physical pain away but adding fuel to the emotional aspect. The thought of being dependable on others pains Mr lamb and cuts his will to live, He’s suffered enough and is begging for someone to put him out of his misery and let him pass on.
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Hooray Sleep
It’s been shown that there is a direct correlation between sleeping and retaining information. Therefore, in allowing students to get more sleep, their test scores and ability to retain information would skyrocket.
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Negative Sports Media
– Professional sports are a great entertainment, but reporters seem to only publicize the negative. They pay more attention to what players do off field rather then on field.
Hooray Sleep
– It is very important to get enough sleep every night because it effects the way you function and it can improve the way your brain works.
Failing Schools
– Students should not be effected because of the laziness or lack of care from schools. All schools should be cared for the same, whether it’s overcrowded or not.
Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death
– Mr. Lamb is “not the man he wanted to be”, being that he got into an accident and has to depend on others for everything now, he is miserable. He wants to end his suffering but the court denies him of it. He is the one living and going through pain daily, the court can’t understand his predicament enough to make this decision for him.
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Failing Schools
Underprivileged students in New York are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. In giving students access to better quality educational tools, they are also given access to unlock better lives and break the cycle that themselves and their families have been stuck in.
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Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death
Seeing as Mr. Lamb is the only one who knows the pain he experiences every day, it would only be right to allow him to choose whether he would wish to continue to live on through it or not. I do not believe it is the decision of the courts to choose if Mr. Lamb should live in pain or not.
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