Open Strong- Frogs02

Obesity kills 2.8 million people each year. In this case, death is not a decision, it is determined by a family’s bloodline and genetics. Obesity is often attributed to poor dietary habits and a lack of physical activity, but the truth behind it is more complicated. Humans don’t always have the choice of whether or not they are obese. It can be genetic. Obesity is a medical condition in which excess body fat has accumulated to an extent that it may have a negative effect on health. The result of this is the complex processes by which the body converts food into energy—it can also be influenced by chemicals in the environment (over which we have limited control) and genetics (over which we have no control). More than ⅓ of U.S. adults have obesity. Overweight and obesity kill more people than underweight.

Obesity is death. Whether or not the life choices each person has made, can always lead to obesity and it WILL kill. Obesity is hardly a choice. It is a medical condition in which excess body fats have accumulated to an extent that it may have a negative effect on health. There are absolutely no positive effects on obesity. Evidence on obesity is showing the benefits of physical activity for breast and colon cancers. The growing epidemic of obesity provides a challenge to clinical practice and the implementation of guidelines for the management of weight. Physical activity, body size, and metabolic efficiency are related to total energy intake. It is difficult to assess the independent effect of energy intake on cancer risk. Obesity can be a choice for only some. The choices don’t last forever, but the negative health effects do. Obesity kills.

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2 Responses to Open Strong- Frogs02

  1. davidbdale says:

    You have presented some very powerful evidence, frogs, much of it in language that deprives it of its power. Your verbs are not robust, so your subjects aren’t doing much. Here are your primary SUBJECT / VERB pairs. Which of them compels you to read the claim?

    DEATHS / ARE CAUSED
    DEATH / IS
    OBESITY / IS ATTRIBUTED
    TRUTH / IS
    YOU / DON’T HAVE
    YOU / ARE
    IT / CAN BE
    OBESITY / IS
    FAT / HAS ACCUMULATED
    IT / MAY HAVE
    RESULT / IS
    IT / CAN BE INFLUENCED
    WE / HAVE
    WE / HAVE
    ADULTS / HAVE
    OVERWEIGHT & OBESITY / KILL

    If that’s MY paragraph, I’m leading with “Obesity kills.”
    Then I’ll scour the verbs “to be” (all 8 of them!).
    Then I’ll replace the pronoun subjects (3) and the 2nd person mentions of “you” (2 of those) with real nouns as subjects that are the actual subjects of my ideas.

    Does that help?
    Your turn. This is a conversation. Thanks!

    Like

    • frogs02 says:

      Yes, that helps so much. Changing those words, subjects, and nouns will make the readers want to read the rest of the paragraph. That is my goal. I need to make this more interesting and to grab the reader in. The feedback is perfect, thank you!

      Like

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