Practice Opening—ilovedunkinoverstarbucks

With Polio not being present in America may seem good but that does not mean it is gone forever. Over in Africa specifically Nigeria they had different ideas when studies came out saying there was traces of some contaminates in 2003. Nigeria as a country was having several trust issues with taking the vaccine even though it is just a few drops on the tongue. Violence was another factor into why the vaccine was not being distributed, when a group of healthcare workers were over in the country they ended up being murdered by gunmen as they were coincidentally all women.

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2 Responses to Practice Opening—ilovedunkinoverstarbucks

  1. davidbdale says:

    Just a quick note to acknowledge that I’ve noticed your post in the Feedback Please category, Dunkin. I have classes this morning, but I’ll be doing feedback this afternoon.

    Before I go, let me just say that your opening phrase is problematic. “With Polio not being present in America may seem good,” is illegal syntax. We can talk more about that and the good things in your paragraph when I return unless you want to fix that before I get back.

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  2. davidbdale says:

    Well, I notice you did not revise your opening sentence, so let’s deal with that first.
    1. With Polio not being present in America may seem good but that does not mean it is gone forever.
    —If you’re unsure of syntax (the logic and sequencing of words in a sentence to create meaning), keep your language as simple and straightforward as possible, Dunkin. In this case, “Polio’s absence from America is good, but may not be permanent.” Or: “There have been no cases of polio in the US for generations, but it could still return.” In other words, don’t try to sound academic.
    2. Over in Africa specifically Nigeria they had different ideas when studies came out saying there was traces of some contaminates in 2003.
    —If you specify Nigeria, you don’t need to mention Africa. “They had different ideas” is so vague it’s almost meaningless. And we don’t understand the connection you’re trying to make to America.
    3. Nigeria as a country was having several trust issues with taking the vaccine even though it is just a few drops on the tongue.
    —I assume that by “Nigeria as a country” means “Nigerians” and that “having several trust issues with taking the vaccine” means “Nigerians distrusted the vaccine.”
    4. Violence was another factor into why the vaccine was not being distributed, when a group of healthcare workers were over in the country they ended up being murdered by gunmen as they were coincidentally all women.
    —”was another factor into why the vaccine was not being distributed” means “Violence also interrupted distribution of the vaccine.” But if you’re going to say that gunmen murdered healthcare workers, you don’t have to mention the word “violence.” The murdering takes care of that for you.

    Here’s what I think you mean:
    We haven’t seen a case of polio in America for generations, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. In Nigeria, where polio still exists, distrust over the polio vaccine is making eradication difficult. “Contaminants” were reported in 2003 that made Nigerians hesitate to take the drops on their tongue. Worse than that, when gunmen murdered a group of female healthcare workers vaccinating children, it became hard to recruit new volunteers.

    It’s not easy to squeeze all your information into meaningful sentences, but I hope this demonstration helps you see how to make clear claims. If you edit this post, and I think you should, be sure you circle back to America at the end to explain why what happens in Nigeria has meaning for the US.

    As always, if you’re going to want more feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it.

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