Practice Opening – Lily4Pres

Much like in modern day virus eradication hunts, polio in Nigeria has linked with another issue that facilitates the spread of Polio, false pretenses. Similar to COVID today, polio is surrounded by false rumors that concentrate around birth defects, HIV infection, and many others. Some even go as far as an American Ploy against the muslim population of Nigeria. Which only makes the eradication efforts of the GPEI (Global Polio Eradication Initiative) even more tedious. Leaving too many questions to the Nigerian civilians, who do not know any better due to the infrastructural disadvantages they face. As long as there is significant distrust with the vaccine, the Nigerian people will resist inoculation as the false information spreads. The solution seems to be simple, if the skepticism is neutralized, the virus will follow suit.

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2 Responses to Practice Opening – Lily4Pres

  1. davidbdale says:

    Just a quick note to acknowledge that I’ve noticed your post in the Feedback Please category, Lily4Pres. I have classes this morning, but I’ll be doing feedback this afternoon.

    I created the Lily4Pres category for you in class, so it’s possible you didn’t elect to be in the Feedback Please category just now, but I’ll proceed with feedback anyway.

    Before I go, let me just say that your first sentence has me confused.

    “Much like in modern day virus eradication hunts, polio in Nigeria has linked with another issue that facilitates the spread of Polio, false pretenses.”
    I needed to read it twice to figure out that by “modern day virus eradication hunts,” you meant the 2021 failed attempt to so far eradicate COVID. That was really not obvious. The phrase “has linked with another issue” still has me stumped, but I’m working on an interpretation. And a third reading convinced me that “false pretenses” is the “issue” that links an historical failure to eradicate polio with this year’s failure to eradicate COVID. You don’t need to make a generalized and vague claim BEFORE getting specific, Lily. I see now that you’re going to solve these mysteries eventually. Why not start with clarity?

    We’ll discuss this further, plus the good things you’re doing here, unless you want to reword your post before I return.

    Like

  2. davidbdale says:

    Lily4Pres, it appears you haven’t made any revisions since my feedback yesterday, so we’ll just carry forward. I should mention here that we never look back in this class. Even when you do make revisions, I won’t be painstakingly comparing your current draft to earlier drafts to see what you’ve improved. Instead, we’ll deal with the draft in front of us to see if it can be further improved. So, let’s do that.

    Much like in modern day virus eradication hunts, polio in Nigeria has linked with another issue that facilitates the spread of Polio, false pretenses. Similar to COVID today, polio is surrounded by false rumors that concentrate around birth defects, HIV infection, and many others. Some even go as far as an American Ploy against the muslim population of Nigeria. Which only makes the eradication efforts of the GPEI (Global Polio Eradication Initiative) even more tedious. Leaving too many questions to the Nigerian civilians, who do not know any better due to the infrastructural disadvantages they face. As long as there is significant distrust with the vaccine, the Nigerian people will resist inoculation as the false information spreads. The solution seems to be simple, if the skepticism is neutralized, the virus will follow suit.

    The shape of your paragraph is very sound:
    Disinformation aids the spread of a dread disease.
    We face the same dilemma with COVID.
    Eradication efforts are stymied by fear and resistance.
    When we neutralized skepticism, we can eliminate the disease.

    In several places, your language is beautifully succinct, almost slogan-like. “if the skepticism is neutralized, the virus will follow suit.” “due to the infrastructural disadvantages they face.” “rumors that concentrate around birth defects.” So I know you have skills. When you revise, use those skills to eliminate the squishy parts of your work (such as the very first sentence). And be sure to write in complete sentences. You have two fragments here.

    As always, Lily, if you’re going to want feedback, you’ll have to be responsive to it. When you receive it, please revise your work or respond to the feedback or both. I look forward to your reactions.

    Like

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