Here is an opening paragraph that displays some common early draft traits that a good revision will eliminate. Too many sentences begin with, or contain “There is” or “there are” or “it is” components. Those phrases almost always result in weak subject choices and weaker verbs (is being the weakest verb.)
People are welcome to walk into the hospital when in need of care; however, not all will be treated equally because of the individual’s disadvantages or advantages. It’s not that doctors are biased towards the patients. It is very seldom that the first priority of the doctors is not the wellbeing of patients, yet why is there an unequal amount of treatment amongst people of different groups such as race, income, and social class? Through analyzing surveys taken by patients, there is no doubt health disparities are apparent in hospitals and the problem of that roots back to the patient’s privilege. One of the privileges of people with wealth is the ability to communicate more effectively; though communication between doctors and patients is often overlooked by people, it makes a huge influence on the doctor’s decisions and performance. Therefore, people with strong communication skills are usually able to get the most out of the doctor’s abilities.
1) People are welcomed to walk into the hospital when in need of care; however, not all will be treated equally because of the individual’s disadvantages or advantages.
—(Revised to place the emphasis on the disadvantage of having disadvantages. Makes “poor treatment” the subject of your sentence.)
If hospitals had entrances marked “Rich Patients” and “Poor Patients,” we would all object. But the truth is, once inside the hospital, poor patients receive less care, and suffer worse outcomes, than rich patients.
2) It’s not that doctors are bias towards the patients.
—(Revised to eliminate the weak “It is not” opening.” Identifies the particular patient group. Uses the powerful verb “discriminate.” Indicates that the discrimination is not deliberate.)
Doctors don’t knowingly discriminate against their poor patients.
3) It is very seldom that the first priority of the doctor’s is not the wellbeing of patients, yet why is there an unequal amount of treatment amongst people of different groups such as race, income, and social class?
—(Revised to eliminate several weak “It is ” phrases. Eliminates the weak rhetorical question. Replaces the neutral “unequal amount” with a clear distinction: some are shortchanged. )
But the best-intentioned doctors nevertheless shortchange some of their patients on the basis of race, income, and social class.
4) Through analyzing surveys taken by patients there is no doubt health disparities is apparent in hospitals and the problem of that roots back to the patient’s privileges.
—(Revised to eliminate the weak “there is” clause.” Makes a straightforward comparison claim to replace the neutral “disparities” root back to privilege.)
Patient surveys prove that hospitals lavish care on privileged patients that underprivileged patients do not enjoy.
5) One of the privileges of people with wealth is the ability to communicate more effectively; though communication between doctors and patients is often overlooked by people, it makes a huge influence on the doctor’s decisions and performance.
—(Revised to eliminate the weak “is” verbs and the weak “it” clause. Makes a straightforward claim with a robust verb.)
They do so, according to Massachusetts General, because well-to-do patients communicate better on average with their doctors.
6) Therefore, people with strong communication skills are usually able to get the most out of the doctor’s abilities.
—(Revised to improve the verb.)
And that enhanced ability to influence their own care drives better physician performance.
Revised Paragraph:
If hospitals had entrances marked “Rich Patients” and “Poor Patients,” we would all object. But the truth is, once inside the hospital, poor patients receive less care, and suffer worse outcomes, than rich patients. Doctors don’t knowingly discriminate against their poor patients. But the best-intentioned doctors nevertheless shortchange some of their patients on the basis of race, income, and social class. Patient surveys prove that hospitals lavish care on privileged patients that underprivileged patients do not enjoy. They do so, according to Massachusetts General, because well-to-do patients communicate better on average with their doctors. And that enhanced ability to influence their own care drives better physician performance.
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Counterintuitive Spring 2023 
I prefer the second paragraph over the first one because the first paragraph was all over the place. They were hinting things that weren’t talked about throughout the whole thing, and they tried to lead up to their main cause when they should’ve started with that. The second paragraph is like ripping a bandaid off, it went straight to the point and didn’t turn back. You are able to get a better understanding of what the writer is trying to get out with being more blunt.
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I found it interesting how many words were removed from the statement, such as “it”, “there is”, etc. These words create ambiguity and act merely as fillers for the real meat of the sentence. The funny thing is, the revised edition of the statement is not much different from the original, other than the fact that it is much cleaner; the ultimate statement is the same. I know I am not great at writing in a straightforward way-I tend to skirt around what I actually want to say. Now that I know how to clean up my sentences, I can work more efficiently.
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The second paragraph is superior to the first, it “gets to the point” much faster. (The first paragraph is too wishy-washy. The author takes a bit of time to finally explain what their argument is, and goes back and forth whether they believe it or not. (The author also uses language that weakens the argument, such as “it is.” )
When I read the second paragraph, I can fully understand where the author is coming from. The first sentence explains the problems within a healthcare setting, the financial class.
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I feel that the second paragraph definitely cleans up the confusion of the first. Instead of a central point, the first paragraph jumps around trying to be blunt and up front, but loses focus of what the actual topic is. The second defines the topic as the discrepancy between the rich and poor when it comes to quality of health care. Instead of grouping generalized categories such as minority, the lower class and those who cannot communicate well, it lightens up on the description of these groups and says that there is on average worse communication among those of the lower class. This means that they are not able to take advantage of the health care provided to them as much as someone with better communication skills. Overall, I feel that that the into of this topic runs too fine a line by trying to show a correlation between those who are lower in wealth as those who do not communicate as well. I feel that it is an uphill battle when trying to dance around the factors of this situation and can have readers shy away from agreeing. I feel the author is better off sticking with disparities by doctors among race and socioeconomic status. How well someone communicates is much too abstract to concretely define.
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I prefer the 2nd revised paragraph much more than the original paragraph, because a clearer ending point is established and everything in the paragraph has importance. Personally, reading through the steps of creating better sentences has shown me that I use the same phrasing a lot, like “it is” or “is there.” Seeing the revised sentences compared to the original ones show a major difference in writing. I am much more convinced to read the essay that starts with the second paragraph, with the rich use of verbs and clauses. I never noticed how much improvement can be made with just the elimination of those weak verbs and clauses.
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Getting rid of a couple words and replacing them with more effective words can make a huge difference in the power of the sentence. The revised paragraph is better than the original paragraph because it has more effective sentences. The paragraph get it’s point across clearer and more successfully in my opinion. The revised paragraph is a very helpful demonstration to help me improve my writing.
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1. Reaction : this first statement is much too ambiguous, focus on one subject like either being poor or being wealthy.
2. Reaction: This statement is contradicting, you are “dismissing” doctors of their biased towards patients. And if you are arguing that doctors do not knowingly discriminate, change the wording. “It’s not” is not strong enough.
3. Reaction: Again, the use of “it is” does not help your case, it only weakens it.
4. Reaction: The clause “there is” is not straightforward and could mislead your readers.
5. Reaction: To build a bridge and lead your readers to what you want to say, eliminate “is” from your sentence. Instead, give an example and then explain.
6. Reaction: Your conclusion does not make sense to me. Anyone can have strong communication skills. I agree that wealth does play a role in the discrimination between patients in hospitals but the way you word it is poor and insufficient.
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1) Based on wealth, the author believes that communication is a reflection of money. And makes it seem that treatment between social-economic classes will be inevitable between the rich in poor. One empathizes that it’ll be easier for the hospital if patients were separated by class.
2) Doctors unknowingly discriminate against poor patients, in some context could be true. But there are other factors that make up a relationship between a patient and doctor. And the level at which you communicate should be a factor that stops poorer patients from good treatment.
4) It said that Richer patients have better care within hospitals. This could also be because they’re able to afford better health care. Poorer patients usually have little to no insurance. So the amount of treatment they receive can be a reflection of what they literally can afford.
5) It’s also possible that the better you can communicate your issues the easier it is to understand for the doctor. Most people aren’t able to effectively say their medical issues because it’s in a language they’re not entirely sure of. But wealth isn’t the only factor in this.
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You’re completely correct about this, Tacos, and any good writer will acknowledge that a portion of readers hold this view and can’t express it (because writing goes one direction). As soon as possible, to avoid losing this reader altogether, the good author 1) Acknowledges the truth of your objection and, 2) Refutes it, but 3) not usually in the same sentence. The death of clarity results from trying to address all counterclaims while making our own. Wishy-washy sentences convince no one.
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The revised paragraph is more compelling and goes straight to the point in what the author intended to write rather from the unnecessary sentences of other possibilities of why hospital prefer. Which the first one doesn’t get me into the reading, but confusing to read until I figure out what the author is talking.
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After reading both the original and revised paragraphs, I prefer the revised paragraph much more than the first because the original did not establish a clear standpoint and there was a lot of unnecessary information. The revised paragraph went straight to the point and includes only the necessary information. I am more persuaded to read the essay that starts with the revised paragraph, with the use of robust verbs and subjects. This showed me how much of a difference clarity and vitality make in writing.
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A conjunction of verbs and making complete sentences is very critical. The ability to clarify a good paragraph is for a healthy mindset. Revising these words can sometimes be very important. Allowing yourself to put together a profound usage of words helps other writers become a better writer. The lifestyle of a writer is a good comparison of how many writers become better writers. Focus and being able to differntiate good word usage from bad.
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If you’re using your name to make Replys, Kenneth, you’re not logged in to WordPress. Classwork is always done using student usernames. When you arrive in class, log in to WordPress, then access the blog, open the Agenda for the day, and record your class Notes as a Reply to the Agenda page. Good class Notes earn a Participation Grade of 3 points out of 3. If you don’t keep Notes during class, you didn’t attend class. Everyone who attends class regularly knows this.
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Both paragraphs show how the author feels, but the second paragraph gets to the point and gives a clear opinion of the author. I feel that the second paragraph is far more advanced and gives more information than the first paragraph. It offered clarity and was concise with its viewpoint.
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The revised paragraph gets to the point and makes a strong claim in the first sentence which instantly engages the reader. The second sentence then strengthens the claim that by stating the condition to be true. The revised paragraph has a more efficient and more effective use of words to make the claim more concise. The original paragraph has wasted words while the revised makes use of each word to further persuade the reader.
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The fact that the first sentence of the second paragraph already swept me off my feet says a lot. It caught my attention pretty well. It also goes straight to the point after the opening sentence. The wording effectively made the paragraph sound better.
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From the first sentence, it is obvious that the second paragraph is much stronger than the first, immediately starting with a striking visual. It then uses that visual to go into a precise description of the issues of privilege and its effects on given healthcare. The first paragraph felt vague and unprecise throughout, and while nothing in it was wrong nothing in it would be convincing to a reader who was on the fence before reading this. The second paragraph used its visuals, examples, and language to better convince the reader of its side.
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The second, revised, paragraph is much stronger. Rather than leaving much thought to the reader, the second paragraph dictates as much thought process as it can in the reader. Each step provides a solid explanation on how the revised paragraph came to be. Showing step by step, what needs to be done to an ambiguous/weak sentence to make it concrete. “There is” and “it is” are major red flags in these and I will make sure to lessen my personal use of these phrases, they are far too weak. The second paragraph is cut and concise in comparison to the first, a key in trying to get the audience to continue reading all the while creating an easier understanding argument.
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After reading both paragraphs and seeing the steps taken that were taken to revise, the second paragraph is definitely much better. I think it is interesting how eliminating the use of phrases like “it is” or “there are” makes such a difference. Getting rid of those phrases clarifies what is being discussed for the reader. By opening up with the idea of having two separate doors, you are providing the reader with a clear image.
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Both the original and revised paragraphs do the job of analyzing the treatment of the rich versus the treatment of the poor in hospitals. The first paragraph tried to run in circles around their main focus seemingly because they don’t want to offend anyone. Although in my opinion, the claim is already somewhat offending even with the runaround, so why not just be blunt from the start? However the revised paragraph does a much better job of cutting out any unnecessary words and phrases and gets straight to the point. The revised paragraph leaves the reader with a clear and categorical claim and many strong points to back it therefore making it much easier to read and stay focused on one point.
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The revised paragraph is definitely more effective at arguing the point then the first draft, which is less interesting and less convincing. The difference illustrates how overuse of phrases like “it is” or “there are” weakens an argument. In the revised paragraph, the author clearly makes the case that wealthier patients benefit from an increased ability to communicate with hospital personnel, resulting in a higher quality of treatment
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In step 1 there is already immediate improvement in the “open strong”. It gives us an idea of the two subjects ( rich people and poor people) without being too wordy and getting in the way of the claim. Step 2 eliminates the use of the verb to be, which was used in lot in the original paragraph and weakens it. The more direct you can be, the better. The first sentence in step 3 uses to be three times, and I personally think this sentence transformation is the best one. It’s more clear and concise while still conveying the same message, not to mention the use of the verb shortchange is better than to be 10/10 times. Step 5 brings in the evidence that lacked in the original paragraph. It shows us that the argument can be back up in a straightforward way. For step 6, I’m a little uneasy about revising to start the sentence with the word “and”, I thought this was taboo in the writing world. Nevertheless, this last sentence also does a great job of strengthening the verb and thus the overall claim, turning “to be able to” into “to influence”. Simple yet necessary changes like this when revising my own writings will make my claims more clear and direct.
Quoting Mister David, “there is no room for ambiguity in my world where parents kill their kids”.
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Using vague subjects creates an unwanted confusion for the reader. When introducing your claim, which you will now be spending the entirety of your essay attempting to persuade your reader to agree with, it is much more effective to directly state the subject that you are addressing. The revised paragraph eliminates an incredible amount of weak subjects that initially created a confusing sense of ambiguity. When guiding the reader toward your conclusion, vagueness creates the potential risk of losing them along the way due to simply not grasping your claim. The first version of the paragraph fails to make an identifiable claim. It is not the reader’s job to have to “work hard” and sort through a jumble of wasted words to find your claim.
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The first paragraph shows the authors thought process and raw opinion on the topic while the second paragraph is a cleaner outtake on the subject with less of a personal tone to it. In the first paragraph it sounded a bit repetitive while the revised one went straight to the point.
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After reading the original and revised paragraph, I realized how many unnecessary words there are in the first draft. I realized that the revised draft is right to the point and cut out unnecessary sentences. The paragraph made me realize that I use the word it is, there is, and is there a lot. I know I can change those words to make my essay get right to the point. The subjects were very vague and could be taken many other ways. The second paragraph is clean and sharp.
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