visual rewrite#2-hiralp365

The advertisement begins with camera focusing on somewhat middle aged blonde woman dancing along to a music. There are few also few people in the background, holding red party cups in dim lit house. The house has nice cushions with lamp and little lights. According to the clothing style, it seems to be filmed in late 1990s or 2000s.

(0:00-0.:01)The blonde woman has happy expression on her face is dancing to the music while talking to young woman on her left who is also dancing along with her. At the same moment, a young woman had spilled a drink over a guy’s shirt in the background.

(0:02-0:03) The blonde woman’s friend replies back with her head bobbling down unable to keep her posture up straight. The blonde woman lifts up big black glass bottle with her right hand similar to alcohol bottle. As soon she drinks it up, her head remains in same position upwards towards the ceiling. Her eyes are wide open and so is her mouth as if she had choked.

(0:04-0:06) The blonde woman puts her hand over her mouth while lowering her head with concern face. Her friend looks at her with goofy smile and is unsteady on her feet as if she is toxicated.

(0:08-0:11)  The blonde woman puts her hand away from her mouth slowly out and spits her tooth out. Her other friend seems to be shocked and laughs with palm her of her hands covering her mouth while looking at it.

0:12-0:13) The blonde woman also starts to laughs while looking at the tooth she lost on palm of her hand. It seems as if they both are not in their consciousness to take it seriously.

(0:14-0:15)  The blonde woman  tries to say something but is unable complete sentence of what she wants to say while looking at her broken tooth. Her friend leans towards her side laughing while looking at the tooth in her hand.

(0:16-0:18) Both of the women fall down losing balance  on to the couch behind them with loud laugher holding each other.

At the end of (0:18) the video says it’s easy to tell if you had too many.

(0:19)  Now the focus goes towards another young couple who are sitting the house wooden stairs indoors. There are two bottles of alcohol and one red cup on a little table next to the staircase where they both are sitting.

(0:20) She holds out her car key smiling at him and the guy nods his head

. (0:21-0:23)  As she gets up smiling, he makes bye gesture with his hand. She gets down on the stairs and makes shush gesture with her finger over her lips. As if it were secret between them that she was drunk.

At this part of video there’s message “what if you just had one too many”

(0:24) She steps down on the steps of the stair smiling at him and crouches down pinking up her jacket to run towards the door out.

(0:28-0:29) The guy’s face doesn’t seem to be happy about her driving drunk and is concerned. It seems he was powerless to stop her.

From (0:25-0:30) till the end of video, a slogan comes up in white letters “Buzz driving is drunk driving”

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4 Responses to visual rewrite#2-hiralp365

  1. hiralp365 says:

    Feedback requested.

    Feedback provided.


  2. davidbdale says:

    First paragraph. Your language bears traces of “second language” acquisition, hiralp (although it’s possible English is your fourth or fifth language). I don’t quite know how to react to this at this stage of your college career. I don’t want to unduly penalize you for learning a new language, but I also don’t want to encourage you to use your newness to English as an excuse for sloppiness. “dancing along to a music.” could indicate a common confusion by a new learner with the hundreds of grammar rules regarding articles. However, in the next sentence, “There are few also few people in the background” just seems very sloppy. I can’t tell if you’re proofreading your own work or not.

    I’m going to strongly suggest that you complete your portfolio a day or two in advance and get the help of a very good grammarian to help you scour your work of any obvious grammar errors. You can’t afford to risk wasting your entire semester by submitting a portfolio full of mistakes.


    0:14-0:15. You’ve described the actions of this scene for 15 seconds now and you haven’t mentioned once that the actions of the women seem outrageously inappropriate. The director has gone to some trouble to make sure you know how out-of-their-minds these women are at the time of this scene.

    Share with your reader what’s going through your head as you watch the scene, hiralp. This exercise is about Visual Rhetoric. Describe the rhetorical effect of the developing scene as you watch it. It’s not enough to merely report what images are on the screen.

    Is this helpful at all?
    Reply, please.


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